What I saw this
Summer
It was really quite amazing what all I saw this summer. Mostly I just love to people watch. Have you ever done that? Just sit in the Mall and watch the people go by. I like to imagine what they do (as a career) or in what kind of house they live or what kind of car they drive. You see Mommies with their children, some of them are very well dressed and the children exceptionally well behaved, many aren’t or some of the mom’s and their kids you just know are from some little hick place as they are gawking at all the stores. You see the Mall store employees. They are always dressed so well and some of them even have name tags on. They must be on a quick break for lunch or just running an errand. The women seem to all be wearing heels and the men suits....reminds me of what you would wear to church. Then you see the teenagers. WOW some of them have radically changed their hair, green on one side pink on the other. Some cut it short on one side while leaving the other side long. Then there are the working people from the construction industry. They are wearing clothes that are very dirty and they only come in when it’s lunch time of just after work to run an errand on their way home. There is even a group of very tall women. It seems they have come to the mall to go shopping in the big and tall shops and just enjoy the day out.
Yes the mall is made up of many types of people going about their everyday lives... Let’s see... Some of those people I originally thought were mall employees were people I recognized from Church, an attorney, a professor. One of those construction workers even turned out to be my dentist! He was just working in his yard that day building an outdoor storage shed. Those teenagers weren’t really so radical just bored and looking for adventure. And those tall women... well they were really men dressed up to go shopping and be with friends. For them it is difficult to find someone to go with that they can be comfortable with and it is even harder for them to go out in public where someone might recognize them. Is their behavior out of character with who they are and what you expect of them? Perhaps, but does that make them less of your friend, less of a student or professor or ?. When I see a tall or big lady shopping or just out and about I always try to stop and talk to them if it is apparent to me that they are having a cross-dressing experience. You see I am a transsexual woman and I can understand the concern and nervousness that the shopper is experiencing. Where do these ‘women’ come from? What walks of life? What kind of houses? Every walk of life, every occupation, every nationality and at all ages. People are people! I like the saying “Be kind to each person you meet and reach out to those in trouble as you never know which one is an angel”
Masks
I was asked to write and article based on the theme of ‘Gay Pride’ or ‘History’. I’ve put a lot of thought into what I could say, but came up empty handed as I really don’t know all the history of ‘transgender’ and there is no designated month or day or week for ‘TG Pride’. I mean how long has gender been around? Since Adam and Eve? I wonder which one had an issue about their gender?
So, I thought I would keep the theme of October which is Halloween. Masks are a favorite for Halloween don’t you think. All of us have a mask that we wear each and every day. If we want to have a serious conversation with someone we put on a mask that we hope sets the mood for that serious conversation. When we are intimate with another person we put on that ‘come on over baby’ mask. When we want to entertain we put on yet another mask to allow those around us to laugh or be entertained.
But what if you were caught up in putting on a mask every day of ‘passing’ in a particular gender? What if you had to put on that mask each morning as you looked in the mirror and had to decide that today I am going to be a .... oh yeah a guy! So now begins the preparations necessary to ‘pass’ as a guy when you don’t really feel like it. Let’s see, I need to .... what kind of a mask does a guy have? If I want people to view me as a guy then what must I wear, how must I comb my hair, do I wear my earrings, do I wear my jewelry? What makes the mask of a guy or a gal? For most of us gender presentation is easy because we readily fit into the stereotypes of the society around us. Guys wear shirts that button from the left and colors that are a little drab, gals wear blouses, skirts or brightly colored clothing and accessories (sometimes). So what happens when you begin to mix the clothing? What happens when you mix the jewelry and scents and colors and everything else that is considered ‘gender’ presentation? Does this make one “transgendered”.
Of course not!!! It probably just means you are ahead of your time and much more fashionable than your neighbor!!!
Being transgendered means wearing a mask at least part of the time as the opposite gender. It means that deep inside within the very soul there is a feeling of ‘not being right’ relative to self gender identification. It means thinking that you are a gender that your physical body says you aren’t. It means a self identification crisis that just never seems to go away. For some that means that the manifestation is cross dressing (to include hair styles, clothing, mannerisms) or transgender living (living in the role of the ‘other’ gender) or for the most severe form of gender conflict, transsexuals (surgery to change the physical sex).
I wear a mask today, however it is a mask of MY choosing and not a mask that I must present to please someone else. Be true to thine ownself!
Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is the theme of this months Beacon. Webster’s unabridged dictionary defines domestic; “belonging to the house or home; pertaining to one’s place of residence and to the family; as, domestic life”.
Many of us have experienced the destruction of this domestic home or family by the choices we have made. Many of us still suffer a different kind of domestic violence, one within ourselves where everyday is a violent struggle to accept ourselves and provide the love and nurture that is needed for a happy life.
How is it that a person can be so violent to themselves? Why would they be violent to themselves? We’ve all heard the term “Quit beating yourself up over ____” But what is the real situation that is creating this violence? How many people do you know or you have heard of that committed suicide in order to avoid this particular violence? More than one I would venture.
The cure for domestic violence, of this type, begins at home, with home being your own mind and heart. Self acceptance and love is hard to achieve if all of your life you have been shown what is ‘right and wrong’ and that now differs so greatly with what you feel in your heart and believe within your mind. For me meditation seems to work. I go to a quiet place and attempt to find what is important to me and follow that direction. For me that was a change of sex. For you it may be presenting yourself as openly gay or transgendered or ?????. But whatever it is, it is what YOU must do in order to be at peace, at home. To thine ownself be true is always ‘right’.
Home for the
Holidays
This is the holiday issue and the theme is ‘Home for the
Holidays’. As this is both the
December and January issue it is also a welcome back to your
For me going home was always a very special time, it meant going to be with family in a warm and supportive environment. Going home has always occasioned tears of joy and happiness at being ‘safe’. A chance to go hang out with old friends and even get to make a new one or two. Going home also means facing reality for some of us. Where is home now? As adults we are forced to make choices and if we are fortunate, those that we love celebrate our choices with us and support us in living the best possible life we can. When this environment exists, it is indeed a pleasure to go home and know that we are loved and cared for as a person, no matter what choices we have made.
For others of us, there is no longer the open armed reception of love and warmth when we arrive home. Some of us no longer have the option of going home at all. These are the times when it makes me so happy and proud to be a part of the rainbow community. I know that I am accepted here, I am not caused to be ashamed of my choice to finally live my life the way it was intended to be lived...full, in happiness and anticipation of what the morrow will bring.
It is sad that I can no longer go to where the family celebrates the holidays, I call and share a moment or two and we are not totally out of touch. I have a new and extended family though. I no longer look for support with just my birth family but I reach out to love and be loved by my extended FAMILY....Welcome Home for the Holidays and every other day. Paula
Spring
With Spring here many things pop into my mind...deep and serious things like "Why am I here and what am I supposed to do with my life?" or the frivolous thoughts like "Let's go do this or that and just watch the reaction" So why don't we begin this spring with a goal to make a difference. For me, it's not being in someone’s face about who I am but it's about who can I be. So what I choose to do now is to make myself as visible as possible and make a difference in the community in which I live. So how do we do this? First, as a transgendered person I have to be cognizant that I am different, different enough that some people may have difficulty in accepting me. So as I go to volunteer my time, my efforts, my energy I do so cautiously feeling my way. But the important thing now is that I go ahead and push the envelope and make the difference because if I don't and you don't then nobody will. So why don't we come out of our closets and put our best foot forward and just be ourselves and make a difference-today! What do you do with the extra time you have? Do you think only of yourself or do you look to others and wonder if they could use your talent, your skill, your ability, or even your kindness. Did you ever think that you could be accepted by always being "safe"? Do you ever want to be free? Then perhaps it is time to shake the winter blues and step out the door and just be yourself, bask in the sunshine and enjoy the flowers. And I'll see you there.
Mothers and
Motherhood
My mother is a very special person in my life. I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old putting on an apron and working with her to clean the house, do the laundry, fix the dinner or work in the garden. These were special times because I was able to do the same kinds of things that my mother did and was made to feel special for the work accomplished. But the times I liked most being around my mother was when she would give a neighbor woman a permanent or would give my sister a makeover. I would sit in total fascination while the person in the chair was transformed. From limp wet hair to a wonderful hairstyle or from a freshly scrubbed face to a face that looked like a model in a magazine. Of course I was never allowed to have my hair done or my face made up. I recall one time though when my older brother had his hair permed. I was so envious of him! But of course I didn’t ask to have mine permed for fear that someone would know what was in my heart, that someone would know that I secretly wished I were a little girl instead of a little boy.
My grandmother is my hero though. She is the person I most want to be like in this world. She is kind and thoughtful and loving and caring. In my efforts to be like her I would go into her bedroom and put her makeup and jewelry on me and for just a little while I was this wonderful person. Then I would go running to the bathroom and clean up and go about being this little boy doing little boy things. My grandmother still tells me that “Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.” So today I accept my present and celebrate mothers day with memories of what my mother and grandmother mean to me. Paula